Let Go

Holding on to a past hurt is common. Most of us have done it at least once.  We get our feelings hurt or feel we have been shamed or wronged.  We then hold onto that hurt and the anger at whomever we feel was responsible.  We may also go so far as to treat the other person (or persons) with disdain for as long as we can stand it.  It could be for a long time.  It could also vary from being an irritation to full rage that we embrace whenever we think of the pain. 

Mark Twain indicated that "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." The notion is that we are the ones who continue to be harmed because we hold onto anger and hurt.  We let the past take the place of the potential joy we could have in our lives.  I have known people who lived their lives looking for ways to hurt another person as much as they felt they were injured.  What if the offending person's deeds and motives were misunderstood? All of that time and energy are lost in creating even more pain and suffering.

Whole nations and cultures have allowed hatred to fester and grow, sometimes for generations.  The offense has been long forgotten, but the anger toward that offending group persists.  It takes a lot of energy to maintain that amount of anger and resentment.  Holding onto the past hurt also allows the "acid" to harm our own lives.

Probably one of the most difficult things to do is to release the resentment toward someone who we feel has injured us.  It almost feels like we suffered for naught if we let go of the anger.  However, if we don't release the "acid," we get mired in resentment that will continue to diminish our own lives. The most courageous step we can make is to let go and move on. 

Allow

A friend recently shared that when she was shopping  in Italy she encountered a distracted person in line ahead of her. The individual seemed oblivious that my friend had two items compared to the full cart she was trying to empty. It made sense to allow my friend to go ahead and eventually that happened. Despite the language barrier and potential cultural differences, it was communicated that my friend should go first. It was a small but important moment of courtesy.

When I encountered a similar experience here in the states and the person ahead of me didn't make that same offer, I started wondering what might be going on in the life of this person. Was there a deadline she had to meet? Had this been a difficult day for her? Was she not aware of those around her?

Whatever the issue, I stopped conjecturing and just allowed the person to be however she needed to be. No judgment. It also gave me the time to respect the importance for all of us to just be ourselves in the moment.

We don’t know the troubles others carry. We may only occasionally pay homage to the burdens we ourselves bear. Awareness can help us to avoid judging others and allow others space and respect. It is a message we can also give to ourselves.

Connect

One of the more interesting byproducts of the cell phone age is what we see almost daily. Two students are walking together on campus, but neither is talking to the other. Each is focused downward—staring intently into a cell phone. Neither is looking up to greet other students passing on the sidewalk and they only make  occasional glances away from their devices to see that they will not stumble off curbs or run into signposts. They are focused on their devices, texting, reading social media, responding to someone miles away or within sight.  They might be texting each other, but never look up or talk.  They are friends, and we see them participate in activities together outside of class. However, instead of discussing the previous class, future classes or whatever might be important to them, they are laser focused on their devices.

Both lack awareness about the world outside of the internet. We ask them if they noticed the weather, the new sign a sorority put on the lawn outside its house, or if they had seen the squirrels gathering pecans from trees on campus. They have not. Sometimes prying them away from their devices during class is even a challenge. The lack of mindfulness on anything other than their devices means that meals are eaten without tasting, crisp fall air embraces them without them feeling it, and birds in the trees are singing without being heard.

We miss the chatter of students as they walk between buildings. We miss the exchange of shared laughter and even raised voices when students challenge other ideas.  We are losing that human contact so essential to conflict resolution. The skill of learning how to “be with” someone is different than the ability to stare at the cell phone. There is a lack of real connection that is only experienced as a silent connection with technology.

As individuals resolving conflicts, we need to approach our craft mindfully, free of the distractions that our devices bring to this most human of interactions. If you are reading this entry as part of your social media consumption, put down the computer or the cell phone and find something in nature or look around for another human being with whom to relate. Connect mindfully, free of distraction. It can even reinvigorate your spirit!

Align

Moving as quickly as we do from one event and group to another, it makes sense that these transitions may not always go smoothly.  In music, we talk about being in “tune.” In groups, we may call it being “in sync” with the current trends.  In getting “back” to nature, some people say they have to “chill” to separate from our hectic lives.  I have even heard some people saying that we need to get on the same “frequency.”  Whatever the words, it is a basic coming together at a level that allows for us to relate.

In my training as a therapist, I remember being told the value of “pacing.” It was a process of coming into the session in a way that I could meet the clients where they were.  If I wasn’t able to connect right away, I could listen carefully and in so doing, show respect. By hearing and respecting them, I could meet them at that level so we could establish a relationship and work together.  Without the connection, progress was not possible.

In approaching a situation filled with conflict, alignment is critical.  If we are able to establish a space where people feel a connection is possible, issues are more likely to be resolved. Aligning attitudes, needs, and hopes brings people together so they can reconcile their differences. 

Slow Down

In the heat of conflict, probably one of the most difficult things to do is to take a step back and gain perspective.  

It isn't easy.  We can all recall what happens to us. Our hearts are pounding. We have so much we want to say in response to the other person. We are hurt, angry, and frustrated. With all of the emotion swirling around us, stepping back is the last thing we want to do.

It is true for all of us. Despite years of experience, training, and knowledge, it is easy for me to get drawn into the emotional turmoil that happens when engaged in a conflict.

Still, stepping back, slowing down and breathing is the most important step we can take  Just taking a breath, focusing on the process of taking in fresh air and exhaling the air that has given us what we need, is enough to reset our system.  It slows down the emotional, cognitive, and physical process.  It also allows us space to make a decision as how we wish to proceed.  

It only takes a few seconds. However, in that time, many of us can make a clearer decision devoid of the emotional rush.  We get a brief break.  The respite allows us a moment of silence where we can personally deescalate the conflict as we have slowed down the emotional reaction we are having.  

It is only a breath, but in that space, we can begin to make peace.

Presence

Sometimes our busy lives keep us from connecting.

It is easier to rush around completing all "we have to do" than it is to take time to actually "be" with the individuals that are placed in our lives. I recall as young mother trying to balance family and work and school.  Balance is the wrong word, juggle is closer.  Still, none of the elements being juggled got my full attention.

However, in the midst of all of the busy-ness, I made time to be with my daughters.  I listened beyond their words to their hearts. I learned who they were and who they would be. They also got a chance to know me, with all my insecurities.  Being open to connect, to attune to another person implies vulnerability to being known.  However, it was those moments that I treasure.  It was there a true connection was developed and forged.

To be fully present allows us to attune ourselves to another person, without judgment.  This ability to be open can transform relationships, if we only have the courage to take time and risk being known.

A Way Out of the Room

Sometimes we need someone to help us out of the room.

When I was not even twelve, I recall storming into my bedroom and slamming the door. I was angry with something my father said.  At this point, it seems insignificant. Since doors were not slammed in my family, I realized quickly that I was in trouble. How was I ever going to get out of the room?

Several minutes passed and I was relieved that my mother knocked on my door, came in and gave me a way out. She helped me "save face" and leave the room. I could then "make peace" with my father and make amends for the outburst. 

Many of our conflicts today involve helping one or both sides find a way out of the "room" of their own making. Each of us just needs to remember what it was like for us, and not be afraid to help each other out.