Mediating the Future: Making Peace with Hate

Unfortunately, hate is a common thread running through families, communities, and individuals. It fills the news, courtrooms, global conflicts, and every person’s life. (Hartig & Doherty, 2021) It is not uncommon to willingly participate in it. Even as mediators, it is easy to get caught up in everyday conflicts that elicit anger and hatred of the “other,” be it a person, a group, or an idea. Mediators are often faced with parties in intractable conflict, girded with emotional baggage. However, mediators are not immune to experiencing anger that devolves into animosity in their own lives. Many times, humans are not able to separate the hate of a person’s behavior from their feelings about that person.

In the early days of its development, mediation was used in issues of restorative justice. Mediators brought together victims and abusers, families that had someone who was killed with the murderer. Mediation was seen as offering a way for individuals to move past one horrific event that left them broken and angry, to find resolution so they could move on. Even if forgiveness was not possible, victims could hear and begin understanding the person who caused their pain. Their lives didn’t have to stop with the loss. The perpetrators also could acknowledge their actions and express remorse. They too could begin rebuilding their lives. Mediation provided the impetus for healing that impacted the individuals and their communities.

So, why hate? Abrams (2017) indicates that the research shows it is complex and can come from several areas. It may be a neurological response. Sapolsky (2017) found that hate arose from an automatic reaction in our amygdala to someone or something different and therefore may represent a threat (real or perceived). When people see that “they” aren’t like “us,” they can be seen as dangerous. Conflicts arising from the perception of difference are just as challenging because the conflict is deeply rooted in a cognitive and physiological perception of 1 Brenau University, Darby School of Psychology and the School of Business and Communication, mfrank2@brenau.edu; Middle Georgia State University, Department of Psychology and Criminal Justice, marylou.frank@mga.edu 2 threat. Preceding any cognitive process, an automatic reaction to someone that is “different” is fear. Fear can trigger anger at a neurological level. Experiencing fear may cause anxiety, but it often becomes anger as it emboldens us to act. “(Anger) can become the go-to reaction to experiencing fear. Unlike fear, it moves us toward the source of our anger” (Drevitch, 2021). Fear-based anger can lead to conflict, with the anger only fueling its intensity. It is easy to see how quickly fear can turn into hate.

Abrams (2017) went on to indicate that hatred may also come from fear of ourselves. Building on the Freudian concept of projection, what looked like hatred of another person was self-hatred. Further, Kowalchyk, Palmieri, Conte, & Wallisch (2021) have gone on to validate that individuals who appear to be full of themselves and narcissistic did not actually have a self-inflated view of themselves, but instead harbor deep personal insecurity. Although hate may be a reflection of insecurity within individuals, it doesn’t diminish the impact it has on other people. People with deep insecurity seem to find themselves constantly embroiled in conflict. Everyone is perceived as a threat. In mediation, self-doubt is often manifest as a defense of entitlement or anger which only engenders more anger from others in conflict. Animosity also carries with it the threat of violence and escalation. However, the mediator needs to remember the process driving self-hatred is more about “them” than about “us.” Helping to get beneath the bravado, the mediator can help engage in dialogue with the vulnerable, human beings who have participated in conflict. It is through this opportunity to cultivate recognition that conflict resolution is possible. Hate is mediated with understanding.

Hate can further allow individuals to justify struggles with other people who feel “helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy, and shame” (Golden, in Abrams 2017). Collective hate becomes a way for people who are insecure to “connect,” albeit in a dysfunctional manner. It allows for negative group behavior to be condoned by both sides. Culturally condoned biases and a history of violence toward marginalized groups become integrated into this mix. Hurting other people becomes a vehicle to temporarily alleviate personal and collective pain by feeling justified and self-righteous. Because the core issues of insecurity and shame are not addressed, the pain never diminishes, and the hate continues. Both sides are hurting others and themselves. However, in mediation, there is a potential for bridging divides.

Mindfulness can also help mediators heal hatred in conflict. Recognizing that helping others through divisive and emotional conflicts is exhausting and mindfulness “builds our capacity to be aware of and to skillfully manage our own mental, physical, and emotional states, even in the heat of conflict” (Mediators Beyond Borders, 2024). Engaging in a process of learning to be present, self-aware, listen to what parties “really” are saying, and bring an unruffled presence to the mediation are skills that enable mediators to work in this emotionally charged environment. Being able to manage personal reactions amidst a flurry of emotions, requires practice and many have integrated mindfulness meditation as a skill that benefits mediators. Mindfulness itself helps mediators stay focused on the layers of communication in a mediation as well as keep them from being wrapped up in the stress that dealing with intense emotions can create.

Self-understanding and awareness are important in mediation. If parties wish to move beyond hating themselves, each other, and any group that may be different, they will need to hear how others perceive the conflict and them. Once people engage in deep listening, they can become open to recognizing there is more than one perspective that is “right.” Regardless of the time required, it may be important to finally realize that their misunderstandings have bound them to anger and hate. Listening can help people move beyond the destructive behaviors that hate can generate. While mediation is not counseling, the conflict resolution process can promote healing, insight, and understanding. Stevens and Taber (2021) found that developing empathy for others could help in this process of mediation. By learning to recognize the humanity of others, mediation can help people realize that others are also suffering. Through helping both sides see their vulnerability and helping them develop compassion, if not understanding, mediators can help others learn to respect and understand the “other side” in a conflict. Abramson’s research (2021) indicated that in order to develop empathy individuals needed to be willing to grow. Mediators need to help the parties listen and hear different ideas and people, and then be willing to recognize the impact that understanding has on their position and interests. In so doing, mediators help the parties to discover common ground as they recognize their common humanity. However, the key is a willingness to be open to learning. When individuals come into mediation, that is a critical point when that realization can take place. The parties have not been successful 4 themselves and they can’t resolve their own conflict. This point of mutual vulnerability presents an opportunity for an intervention. Mediators are key to facilitating this dialogue at deeper levels. Empathy is a key element in reducing hostility. Addressing hatred and divisions requires addressing emotions to “elicit empathy and ease emotional antagonism and polarization”(Cloke, 2023, p. 30). Compassion and hatred cannot coexist.

As mediators, it is important to remember the process by which people develop a mentality of hatred. Mediators are not immune to being impacted by hate. The mediator’s reactions to intense anger, can increase the parties’ fury or help them to learn to look at themselves. If mediators’ issues with anger and hate cause them to back away and show fear or even anger, the parties in conflict will also have difficulty making peace with their feelings. Mediators show them that they also fear and can’t navigate complex emotions. However, if mediators approach hatred with respect and curiosity, they can help build understanding and help develop self-awareness. The process relies on mediators to have the skills to deal with emotions and conflict.

Making peace with hate is complex. Abrams (2017) outlined some important elements in understanding hate. Other researchers have expanded on what is needed to help. Still, the universality of the experience of hatred underscores the importance of a deep commitment to anger and conflict resolution. Working through issues of personal and collective hate needs to be unmasked. Mediators need to always remember that it is not anger or hatred, but the real issue is fear. Fear is at the root of hate, but seldom gets addressed. By recognizing fear as a universal emotion, mediators can develop a deeper understanding and compassion for others who are also afraid. Mediators are uniquely poised to help facilitate this process. Seeing fear/anger/hate in others is a plea for understanding and compassion. Mediators need to be moved to realize that much hatred may begin with a single event but becomes a destructive process built on personal insecurity and helplessness. Only by stepping back to understand the person and not engaging in the spiral of meeting hate with hate, can mediators help individuals begin to make peace. In conflicts at every level, and in mediation rooms everywhere, mediators have a pivotal role. Skills in deep listening, understanding emotions, and facilitating deep dialogue can make a world of difference. Mediators can enable individuals to make peace with hate.

References

Abrams, A. (2017). The psychology of hate: Why do we hate? Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/the-psychologyhate

Abramson, A. (Nov. 1, 2021). Cultivating empathy: Psychologists’ research offers insight into why it’s so important to practice the “right” kind of empathy, and how to grow these skills. Monitor on Psychology 52(8), 44-48.

Cloke, Kenneth. (2023). The Magic in Mediation: A Search for Symmetries, Metaphors and Scale-Free Practices (p. 30). Good Media Press. Kindle Edition.

Drevitch, G. (2010). Fear and anger: Similarities, differences, and interaction. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202103/fearand-anger-similarities-differences-and-interactiona

Hartig, H. & Doherty, C. (September 2, 2021). Two decades later, the enduring legacy of 9/11. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2021/09/02/two-decades-later-theenduring-legacy-of-9-11/

Kowalchyk, Palmieri, Conte, & Wallisch (2021), Narcissism through the lens of performative self-elevation, Personality and Individual Differences, v. 177, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2021.110780.

Mediators Beyond Borders (2024). Mindfulness and conflict engagement. https://mediatorsbeyondborders.org/what-we-do/conflict-literacy-framework/mindfulness/

Sapolsky, R. (2017), Why your brain hates other people. Nautilus. https://nautil.us/why-yourbrain-hates-other-people-236659/ 6

Stevens, F. & Taber, K. (2021). The Neuroscience of Empathy and compassion in pro-social behavior. Neuropsychologia, 159, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2021.107925.

This post was part of an article published February 2024.